


The Verdict pt.1: Not Guilty

by rosetintmyworld



Series: Secrets Best Kept [6]
Category: Day6 (Band), GOT7, Monsta X (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-05 21:39:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12802932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosetintmyworld/pseuds/rosetintmyworld
Summary: JYP's verdict is handed down.





	1. Jinyoung

**Author's Note:**

> This is the beginning of two separate parts. There is a split in the universe, based on whether JYP is guilty or not guilty.

I sat in the back of the court, my mouth hanging ajar without my consent.

The news was banging around between my ears, jackhammering my brain. It felt like time was slowing down around me, screeching to a dead halt because this couldn't be real. This was like one of those realistic dreams that start just innocent enough for you to mistake it's nightmarish undertones for business as usual, only to find yourself trapped in a hellish ride where the only way out was to give in and scream.

But from the way Wonpil screamed, I could tell there would be no waking up from this one.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I looked to the front of the courtroom, watching as Wonpil crumpled.

JYP shook hands with his lawyers, a smarmy grin on his face as the verdict was announced.

Park Jinyoung was acquitted on all counts.

How the hell did that happen? How could that happen?

“Jinyoung, I’m sorry-” Jaebum whispered and I readjusted my sick mask, pulling my hat on.

“Let's go,” I whispered, getting out of my seat, my body wanting to get distance from the man, but my mind wanting to stay until it was able to awake from this nightmare.

Wonpil was wailing at the front of the courtroom, his body doubled over as Sungjin pulled on his arms.

“Wonpil-ah let's go. Come on, let's go,” Sungjin whispered and Wonpil let out another soul shattering wail. He sounded like he was breaking apart, like his soul was trying to climb out if his body through his throat.

He sounded so raw and so, so hurt.

“The Bear, he's not going away,” he cried and Sungjin hugged him tight, tighter than any of his band mates had done in the months since it happened.

“Jinyoung?” Jaebum spoke softly and I looked away from Wonpil to look at the man.

“Do you want-” Jaebum started.

“I just want to go home,” I muttered, thankful Bambam hadn't had to testify. I couldn't imagine how he would have held up to the news, especially seeing it like we had, watching the lies paraded around the court. I couldn't believe people believed those lies.

Jaebum linked his arm around my shoulder and led me to the car.

I got in, my mask firmly in place as we drove out the back garage of the courthouse and back towards the dorms.

There were people standing on the streets, holding signs up saying that JYP was innocent and I looked away from them.

It seemed like all of South Korea had seen Wonpil’s video and yet they could still say that?

I couldn't stomach the vehement support these people held for him. How could you still support something that did so much harm? 

“Bambam is going to be devastated,” I murmured as we drove past the signs and people celebrating the 'good’ news.

“How could they- how could they be happy about this?” Jaebum asked and I bit my lip before looking over at him.

“It's always vindicating when you can watch your favorite get out of trouble. No one would think he was a bad guy,” I explained, a little too rationally for the absurdity of the verdict.

I don't know what this chilled feeling was that was taking over my chest was. Me and my psychologist had talked about the possible outcomes, had talked about the fact that an indictment wasn't going to fix me. But we’d never talked about what would happen if that indictment never came. How could they have watched that video, how could they have looked at those pictures of children,  _ children  _ and not have indicted him? What had they seen during the trial that made them believe that what he did was okay? How could they have gotten it so wrong? He'd ruined so many people's lives, so many boys, and it was fine. No repercussions, no punishment. He'd been vindicated, and it was exposed. Idols had no rights, no protection. We were just money makers, not humans with ownership over our own bodies, our own selves. We were vehicles meant to be used then dumped when we got too much wear and tear.

We could be treated any kind of way, and it didn't matter.

“Those poor trainees, and Wonpil,” I whispered and I felt Jaebum’s hand on my shoulder, rubbing soothing circles.

“What about you?” He asked and I looked over at him.

“I don't- I don't need an indictment to know what he did was wrong,” I whispered, trying to convince him of that and he stopped the car, turning it off on an empty road.

Maybe I was trying to convince myself of that thought to.

“Yeah, but that- that doesn't mean you didn't want one. I wanted one. I wanted one really bad and I'm devastated that he didn't- that he was acquitted, I can't imagine what that must feel like for you. Because honestly, I feel like crying, I feel like going out there and finishing what we started that night. I feel lost, Jinyoung,” his voice cracked and I looked over at him, watching as his jaw clenched with unshed tears.

“Of course I feel that way- I just, I feel worst for everyone else. I got out, I got away. I had my chance to say what I had to, and I had my revenge. 

My life was not irrevocably ruined by him. It's just- it makes me want to give up. I don't want to do this anymore, not if that's the way that see us. Maybe it's stupid, but I'm detached,” I explained and he grabbed me tight.

I could feel his tears on my shoulder and I hugged him tighter, my own eyes wet as I thought about Wonpil's screams, shredding through his vocal cords,  as I thought of the way Bambam looked that night I found out, hollowed out and revolted, I didn't need that indictment, not like they did, not like Wonpil did. But fuck if I didn't want it.

I really  _ really  _ wanted it.


	2. Sungjin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sungjin takes the verdict in stride.

I stood in the hallway, my cellphone pressed to my ear. My phone had gone off, causing me to leave Wonpil alone. That was a rarity these days. The verdict dropped a couple of hours ago, but I hadn't really left him alone since I'd found about what JYP had done to him. It made me sick to think of the pain he must have been enduring since even before the trial, and to have it come down to this.

It hadn't been easy, seeing the way Wonpil shattered when they released the verdict, and my heart hurt for him.

I still couldn't believe that they could find him not guilty.

How could they watch that video and not see the distress in Wonpil's eyes, how could they not see the rigidity of fear in his body?

How could they do that to the boy?

I knew Wonpil wasn't a boy any more, the opposing lawyers made it more than evident that he was an adult in the eyes of the law, but he was a boy, we all were. We were basically sheltered children. I knew some idols who hadn't even kissed anyone yet and were already considered adults legally. It just didn't seem right.

“Yeoboseyo?” I answered tiredly, rubbing my temple.

“It's Jaebum, how's Wonpil?” The man asked and I looked back at the door that I had closed behind me to keep from waking up the boy.

He'd had a rough day and deserved to sleep peacefully for a change.

“He's sleeping right now, finally cried himself out.”

“He deserves the rest. I'm sorry for that fight in the courthouse, he just-” Jaebum started, but I interrupted him.

“I get it, you've got to protect your own.”

I knew all about protecting my own, that was what I was doing for Wonpil.

“Jinyoung- he's not the one who leaked that stuff. We didn't know there were more people involved until after it was leaked,” he explained and I hummed into the receiver.

“I know- Wonpil knows too. He's just been under a lot of pressure with everything going on. You can't fault him for getting mad at it all. It's tough when the whole world knows your secrets.”

It was quiet on the other side of the line.

“Where are you guys? Still in the dorms?” He asked, quietly.

“No, we uh- we had to move out when everything happened. The boys just went home, and I got an apartment in Seoul. Wonpil’s been staying with me for a while. His parents won't take him back, they're under the assumption of what most people in South Korea believe, that he wanted it or something. So I'm taking care of him,” I explained brusquely, trying to shake the hurt in my chest.

As far as anyone knew, Day6 was over. We couldn't just move to a new company and have everything all fucking dandy. We didn't have that luxury because everyone had seen Wonpil on his knees.

I knew it wasn't Wonpil's fault, and I would never blame him, because how could I fault the boy for this? He never asked for this. We just hadn't gotten as lucky as Got7.

“Are you and Wonpil…” Jaebum trailed off and I made a noise in the back of my throat.

I knew what he was implying, people had been implying it since day one.

“No. I'm just being a good hyung. Something the boy needs.”

I felt like I’d had to say that sentence dozens of times now, to anyone who so much as looked at us. 

“I didn't mean to offend you,” Jaebum backpedaled.

It wasn't so offensive. I'd known about Wonpil's preferences, and I didn't care, because just because he was that way didn't mean he deserved what happened to him. But that didn't mean I also was that way, and everyone had assumed that- even his parents because I stood by him. As if human compassion and camaraderie wasn't enough.

As if I had to have an ulterior motive for caring about a boy who was as close to me as family.

Why did people believe that Wonpil doesn’t deserve love, why did they believe it was all about sex with him?

“I should get back to Wonpil-ah,” I started, hoping it would get Jaebum back on the track of his call.

“Oh- oh right. Uh- I was calling to see if maybe you guys- we were thinking about filing a civil suit. I know it won't be enough, but maybe we can get him resigned from JYPE, get restitution for damages caused to you guys, get a severance pay. We've already got some of the families from the trainees on board, and we figure if we had Wonpil-”

“No.” I interrupted, my voice stern.

“What?”

“You heard me. He's been through enough. I'm not dragging him back though this garbage.”

“You didn't even give him a choice,” Jaebum breathed and I sighed.

“Everything worked out for your boy, so you believe in choice. I don't, not anymore, not since that jury looked at  _ my _ Wonpil and decided that he'd had a choice, when he didn't. So excuse me for being less than optimistic. Wonpil isn't like Jinyoung, he's not like those other boys, he's- he's  _ different _ and he can't take something like this again. He'll crack and I won't be able to put him back together. So excuse me for not letting him choose to die, because that's what's going to happen. I'm sorry, and I hope you guys get what you're looking for, I really do,” I hung up on the man before walking into the room.

Wonpil was curled into a ball in the middle of the bed, his breathing ragged even in his dreams.

He was swiping a finger over that heart on his finger subconsciously, trying hard to comfort himself and I sat on the edge, pushing his hair out of his tear soaked face.

There was no such thing as choice anymore.

I had no choice but to stay with him.

I was all he had now.

Hopefully that would be enough.


	3. Bambam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam hears the news

I heard the door slam behind me and I flinched at the noise.

That was Jackson Hyung slamming into his room, Mark following. 

I couldn’t help but sit on the couch, let my eyes follow the slow crawl that seemed to take up most of the news today. 

**JYPE CEO Park Jinyoung acquitted of all charges.**

It kept scrolling by, like it was taunting me, the words needling at my insides.

I felt like it was just a trick of the light, like my mind and anxiety were just playing a cruel prank on me. I was convinced that if I stared long enough, the words would morph into the right verdict.

How could they do that? How could they say that?

Jinyoung Hyung and Jaebum Hyung weren’t home yet and I couldn’t imagine how they were holding up. 

It was one thing to see it on the television, but to actually be in the courtroom, to see it with your own eyes. 

They were the ones who’d gotten to see most of the trial, considering that Jinyoung testified, so I couldn’t imagine seeing the whole thing, and still being told that  _ no, nothing out of sorts happened _ .

How could that even work?

Maybe they were more prepared for the possibility. 

They had been there every day, maybe they could have seen it going south, instead of being blindsided like the rest of the group were.

I didn't see it coming, i hadn't imagined this news ever.

“Are you okay?” Yugyeom asked, his hand on my thigh and I brushed it off before looking back over at the boy.

My psychologist and I have been talking about letting Yugyeom in lately, about making sure that he knew my boundaries and I knew them as well. 

I couldn’t keep pushing him aside without telling him what I was thinking. He'd never know if I didn't speak, and I’d never get better if I said nothing. 

“Sorry, I don’t want to be touched right now,” I explained and he nodded, biting his lip as he put his hands back on his own knees. 

His leg was shaking and I could feel his eyes on me.

“Are you okay?” He asked again and I shrugged. 

“I wonder how Jinyoung hyung is taking it?” I whispered hollowly, feeling the corners of my eyes wet. 

“Probably not well, what about you though?” He asked and I shrugged again. 

I knew how I felt, but did I have the right to feel that way?

“I just- maybe I was wrong gweomy,” I whispered and he turned more to face me. 

I could hear Jackson screaming in mandarin and Mark trying to calm him down. 

I wanted to be righteously angry as well, but every time I felt that familiar swell, it was tamped down by something else.

It was tamped down by guilt. 

“Wrong about him? You know what happened to you, what he did to you, just because they’re too stupid to see that, doesn’t mean that you lied about it, doesn’t mean that he didn’t hurt you,” he rationalized, his face flaring red. He looked like he was seconds away from crying. 

I felt like I was seconds away from crying too. 

“No- What if it’s- what if it’s my fault-”

“What he did to you was not your fault Bam,” Yugyeom spoke softly, but fiercely. 

“No- I mean- What if- do you- Do you think that maybe if I had testified too, maybe then he would have been convicted?”

Jinyoung and I had talked it over when it first broke.

He told me he wanted to testify, discreetly of course, but that he wanted to do it anyway. He wanted to tell what that man did to him. 

I couldn’t though. 

I couldn’t stand in that court room, stumble over words that I didn’t even know how to express in Korean, I couldn’t tell them what that man did to me confidently. I didn’t have it in me, I was tired and frightened, and I’d already put my family through hell. I couldn’t risk it getting out that I’d been  _ raped _ by that man. It was hard enough telling my mother and my siblings, but for all of Korea to know, for all of Thailand- for all of the world to know that JYP had put his hands- his penis in me- I couldn’t- I couldn’t do that.

But now- now I felt selfish.

Why didn’t I say anything, why didn’t I tell my story too?

Why did I keep his secret for him?

What if I could have helped put him away, what if all it took were my words to put him away and I stayed silent?

“No- Bam, it’s not your fault that you didn’t want to tell, it’s your choice. You don't owe the word anything,” Yugyeom tried to convince me, but I wasn't sure if I could agree.

The door opened and I looked up to see Youngjae standing at the front door, his face shell shocked.

“Did you see what happened?” He asked and I nodded, looking back at the slow crawl.

It was still there, the words were still there, staring me down.

I should have turned off the television, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

“I’m so sorry Bam, I wish I could take it all back, I get it now, get why you were so mad at me, it fucking sucks not being believed,” Youngjae explained and I waved away his apology. 

He sat on the couch with me and I felt Yugyeom’s hand move in an aborted attempt to comfort me. I really needed the contact.

“Could- could I have a hug?” I whispered and I felt two sets of arms pull me in, enfold me. Yugyeom was holding me he was afraid I would shatter in his arms, and Youngjae like his sole mission in life was to hold me together and keep me from shaking apart. I appreciated both.

I didn’t know what was better, to live with the what if, that niggling feeling of, what if I had told, what if I hadn’t kept my mouth shut, or to have told and it not have been enough, of someone looking you in the eye, and saying basically,  _ yeah great story, but we don’t believe you. _

Both fucking sucked.


	4. Wonpil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonpil's life, after the guilty verdict.

I was doing it again, I didn't know why I was doing it, but I'd been doing it a lot since the verdict. But I didn't really like to think about that nasty business. I stepped closer to the door, my arms crossed in front of me.

I’d been watching Sungjin hyung a lot lately, my eyes following him as he went about his now limited day. 

There were no more performances, no more meet and greets, no more recording sessions.

I didn’t even get to see my members anymore.

It was just me and Sungjin, together until he decided to get rid of me too, switch me out like The Bear had, leave me to my own devices. I was so inconsequential to Him, to everyone that I thought had loved me.

I often wondered if Sungjin wanted me to go first, if he was getting tired of taking care of me, of trying to piece me back together. I had to be draining, that was the only explanation for why _He_ chose Jinyoung too. That was the only reason for those photos of the younger trainees. I was tiring, and no one could deal with me for long. That was why my members left too.

I just hoped that Sungjin wouldn’t get tired of me.

Whenever I saw Sungjin, I got this feeling in my stomach, something unlike what The Bear had claimed was love, but I knew that this was what it was, that I was falling for Sungjin, and it was a nasty habit and I shouldn’t.

Sungjin wasn’t mine, and I shouldn’t love him.

I moved closer, my eyes widening as I watched his back flex, his fingers curled into fists above a woman’s head.

I hadn't heard him bring home girls, but I knew he'd done it before. I didn't blame him, it must have gotten lonely being here with just me. The Bear had proven that I wasn't good enough, and the wolves made sure I knew that it was all my fault.

Her eyes were squeezed closed and she was making that noise, that noise that I knew I made whenever  _ He  _ was on top of me, whenever _He_ pressed me down and took from me.

She turned her head to the side, her eyes opening slowly before she locked eyes with me. 

She let out a scream, pushing at Sungjin’s shoulders insistently and he looked down at her. 

“What? what, what’s wrong?” He asked and she scrambled up the mattress, pulling the blanket up with her. 

“That pervert is watching us!” She accused and I turned to look behind me to see who she was talking about. 

I didn’t know what she meant, but I wasn’t a pervert.

Sungjin tensed up, looking out of the cracked door before slinking back once he realized it was me. 

I gave him a small wave. 

“He’s not a pervert,” Sungjin asserted and she scoffed. 

“Yes he is, he was just standing there watching, probably getting off on us,” she sniffed and he shook his head, handing her the bra she was reaching for. He pulled on his own pants.

“No, he wasn’t. He doesn’t- he doesn’t mean anything by it, he doesn’t know better,” he placated as she pulled up her skirt. 

“I know who he is, he’s that pervert who slept with JYP, then tried to pretend that he didn’t want it,” She spat out and I looked down at my socked feet. 

We didn’t talk about that nasty business.

“Don’t say shit like that,” Sungjin spat out, satoori slipping out of his mouth and she raised an eyebrow, as if she dared him to contest it.

“Is he sleeping with you too?” She asked and he clenched his jaw. 

He looked so offended by the thought, so angry that it was scary.

She looked more satisfied with every second that he didn't answer, as if she knew the answer.

She didn't know anything.

“Get the fuck out,” he muttered darkly and she gathered her things, muttering under her breath about fags and perverts. She pushed past me in the doorway and I shrunk back, trying to avoid the contact. Sungjin followed her, throwing her sock at her. She picked it up from where it landed on the floor, giving me one last evil look before she slammed out of the small apartment. Sungjin clenched his fist a couple of times. I watched his bare back, too afraid to leave.

“Are you a bear, hyung?” I whispered and he turned to look at me, pushing his hands through his hair, his body still sweaty. He didn't look angry anymore, just tired and worn out. Was he tired of me?

“What?” he asked and I shuffled back into the doorframe. 

I shouldn't be afraid of hyung.

“Are you a bear, hyung?” I asked again and he let his hands fall by his side. 

“No, no of course not, Wonpil,” He answered, pushing a tired breath through his nose. 

“Then why were you- why were you hurting her?” I asked and he shook his head.

“I wasn’t hurting her, she wanted me to do that with her,” He explained and I rubbed my hands over the heart on my finger. 

“The way that the little boy wanted The Bear to do that to him?” I asked. 

“No, the little boy didn’t want that, remember,” Sungjin answered, walking past me, and dropping heavily onto his bed.

“But the- the wolves said that the little boy wanted it, they said The Bear didn’t do anything wrong, because the little boy wanted it, so that means that the little boy wanted it, that means _I ****_  wanted it, right?” I asked and he pulled me down on the bed, cradling me beside him.

“No Wonpil-ah, you didn’t want it, you weren’t given a choice and it hurt you, I gave her a choice, I asked what she wanted and I only did what she wanted me to do, I promise, I didn’t hurt anybody,” he explained and I nodded, leaning my head onto his shoulder.

“I’m sorry then, that I didn’t give you a choice to stay with me, I’m sorry you and the girl didn’t get to finish,” I offered softly and he hugged me tighter. 

“She was- she was not a good choice to bring here. I’m sorry she called you a pervert, you’re not a pervert,” He placated and I shrugged. 

I wanted to kiss Sungjin, so maybe The Bear was right about me. Maybe I was a pervert, and maybe by that logic, I did want it.

I was ruining everything for everybody, especially Sungjin.

Maybe I should go first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then we all know what happens to Wonpil next...


	5. Hyunwoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunwoo sees the verdict and tries his best not to let it get to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyunwoo has a flashback from trainee days in which he is forced to masturbate in front of JYP. Watch out it may be triggering.

I stood up as the ticker tape scrolled across the bottom of the screen again. 

**JYPE CEO Park Jinyoung acquitted of all charges.**

“Turn that off,” I said, standing up and Kihyun unraveled from the chair, grabbing the remote and turning it off. 

Minhyuk, Kihyun, and I had all been crowded around the television watching it happen. Minhyuk had been watching me closely, as if he was trying to gauge how I was feeling. 

I didn’t know how I was feeling, I just mostly felt empty. 

“What do you think this all means?” Kihyun asked, and it was so like him to try and make this into a conversation. 

“What do you mean?” Minhyuk asked and Kihyun shrugged. 

I thought about high tailing it out of the room.

“I just- do you think it means that Wonpil wasn’t telling the truth?” He asked quietly and I bit my lip. 

“It doesn’t matter about the truth or not, all that matters is that we talk to the Maknae. Make sure they know that just because this didn’t go the way we thought it would, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t tell us if something bad happens to them.”

“Yeah, You shouldn’t hold in something like this, no matter what you suspect the outcome may be,” Minhyuk spoke seriously and I shook my head. 

He was the only person that I’d told about what happened between me and JYP, and I regretted it. 

I hated that he knew that I was weak, that he knew what happened. 

“I’m going out, make sure they get to bed on time Kihyun, please,” I begged the smaller man who smiled back at me as he began to fold up the throw blanket that he’d been lying under. 

“I can go with you hyung, where are you going?” Minhyuk asked, following me to the door as I stepped into my sneakers. 

“No, it’s fine, I’m just going to the studio to dance a little, I’ll be back before midnight,” I explained and he bit his lip. 

“I’ll come dance with you,” He exclaimed and I shook my head. 

“I want to be alone right now, Minhyukkie,” I whispered, my voice a little harder that I meant. 

“Hyung, if you want to talk- about how you feel, we can,” He fumbled and I shook my head, grabbing a jacket to throw over my shoulders. 

It was nearing spring, but it was still nippy out. 

“I’m fine, I promise.”

 

I leaned against the mirror, sweat dripping down my face, making my eyes sting. 

Dancing helped to clear out the fast moving thoughts in my mind, made everything slow down so I could process it, but every time it slowed down, I kept flashing back to JYP’s office, and I didn’t want that, so I turned the music up higher, something with a faster beat and a deeper bass and let myself work myself into an exhaustion where the thoughts slowed down so much that they ceased to exist.

 

I dropped down on my bunk, my skin raw from the scalding shower and my arms and legs beginning to ache.

My eyelids felt heavy and I knew that all I would need to do would be to close my eyes, and I would be sleeping.

 

_ I stood in front of JYP, my shirt in a puddle on the floor beside of me. He was sitting, half perched on the edge of his desk, watching me as I turned in a slow circle.  _

_ “Beautiful Hyunwoo, beautiful. You’re a picture of masculinity, the girls are going to eat it all up,” He praised and I slowed to a stop.  _

_ “Hell, the boys too,” He teased and my fingers twitched by my side, wishing I could find the courage to pull back on my shirt and leave.  _

_ It made me uncomfortable standing in front of him, half naked while he said all these things about me, about the fact that I was every girl’s wet dream, how I was every boy’s wet dream too. He knew- I don’t know how he knew that I- that I liked boys, I hadn’t told anyone yet, mainly because the boy I liked-- well he liked someone else, and I wasn’t stupid, I couldn’t just tell people that I liked boys.  _

_ “Hyunwoo-ah, take off your pants,” He commanded and I unraveled the drawstrings, my face heating up again. _

_ I let my sweatpants drop to the floor and he stepped forward, his hands warm on my cold skin as he rubbed up and down my arms, up and down, up and down.  _

_ “Touch yourself Hyunwoo,” He commanded and I bit my lip.  _

_ “I-I don’t want to,” I whimpered.  _

_ “Do you want to be a star or not Hyunwoo, because stars do what they have to do, I’m not hiring some kid who doesn’t listen when someone tells them to do something, now touch yourself,” He barked and I ducked my head, my lip caught between my teeth as I reached into my boxers, shame creeping up my spine.  _

_ “Good, good, look at that, you’re quite impressive, you know that?” He goaded, his hands hooking in my boxers, pulling them down my hips until the elastic was tight around my thighs, restricting my movement.  _

_ “What are you thinking about? Are you imagining Jinyoung? Wondering what he’d think of you, or has he seen it all yet?” He taunted. _

_ “I've seen you staring at his ass, does he know about you?” JYP asked and I shook my head. _

_ “What a pity, he’d look good on his knees for you,” he whispered lowly into my ear. _

_ I squeezed my eyes shut as I released into my hand, a sob building in my throat. _

_ “Good job, but next time have some self control. You shouldn't leave a mess behind. Now, Get out of here,” He dismissed me and I pulled my clothes back on hastily, wishing I’d opened my mouth and told him to fuck right off. _

_ But I didn’t, because I wanted to be a star. _

 

I sat up in bed, nearly bumping my head on the top bunk before wiping my face. 

“Hyung?” I heard and I looked over to see Hyungwon staring at me, his eyes wide and scared. 

I wanted to say something but my hands were shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up. 

“I’m- I’m gonna-” I began before bolting out of the bed, making it just in time to the toilet before throwing up. 

“Hyunwoo, what’s going on?” Hoseok asked and another round splashed into the bowl, bowing my back painfully.

I could feel the sticky mess I’d left in my boxers and I threw up again, trying to get it all out of me. 

“Hyunwoo hyung, hyung,” I heard before I felt arms around my torso, pulling me back from the toilet.

I struggled against them, but felt another pair of arms around my other side. 

Kihyun-ah and Minhyukkie. 

“What’s wrong?” Changkyun asked from the door and I shook my head. 

I couldn’t- I couldn’t say it in front of them, it was one thing for Minhyuk to know, but not- not the maknae, they’d never look at me the same. 

“Hyung, please, please what’s the matter?” Kihyun asked, stroking my hair and I pulled my knees up, trying to fight the instinct that told me to bolt. 

“I- I can’t,” I whimpered and Minhyuk held me tight. 

“You’re- you’re okay hyunwoo, what happened wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault. None of this, the verdict, the outcome, the other trainees, it’s not your fault,” Minhyuk soothed and I buried my face in their arms, not wanting to explain any more, but knowing that the group had pieced it together. 

I didn’t even realize how much I needed to see that bastard punished for what he did to me, but I really fucking needed it and I would never get it.


	6. Jackson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson reacts to the verdict with anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Certain views expressed are in no way a dig at South Korea, but at the cog in the machine aspect of kpop in general. This is just a work of fiction.

I watched the words scroll across the screen in disbelief.

**JYPE CEO Park Jinyoung Acquitted of All Charges**

There was footage of the man shaking hands in court with his lawyers, footage of people filing out, footage of fans outside of the courthouse, holding up banners and signs, almost all of them saying how JYP was innocent, and I felt like I was going to lose it.

I could feel the blood boiling in my chest and I clenched my fist.

I had to get out of this living room, I had to get out of the living room before I exploded, because I was going to explode.

I couldn't explode in front of Bambam, I didn't want to scare him any more than he had been for the last couple of weeks. He'd had it rough and seeing the news couldn't have made anything easier on him.

I looked at the door, standing and contemplated going outside, but I knew what I would see if I went into those streets, and I wasn’t- I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions if I went out there and saw one of those idiots celebrating the ‘good fucking news’.

How could they even remotely think that this was good news? How could these people who were so strict about idols so much as looking at a girl, be so happy to know that someone who regularly raped idols was let go? How could these people who policed sexuality so much, be okay with this verdict being passed down?

I turned on my heels, heading to the room that Mark and I shared.

“Jackson- where are you going?” Mark called after me and I thought back to my first night at JYP, of meeting Mark.

I thought of everything that JYP gave us, and I thought about all of things that he’d taken away.

Even though we weren’t still at JYPE, even though we had moved to Bighit, it still felt the same, I still felt like JYP’s claws were still stuck in us. It felt like we were still being controlled by the man. Even if we were at BigHit, he was still fucking us over.

I thought about how stupid I’d been not to see the way that he’d looked at Jinyoung, because I noticed. I definitely noticed his lingering glances, and I passed it off as what, none of my business, as some stupid thing that I thought I would never get. I joked about it, I fucking joked about Jinyoung getting on his knees for that asshole for it all to be true, and wasn't that just the joke of the century?

Everyone in this Goddamned country must have thought it was funny too, they thought it was-

“Motherfucker!” I yelled, throwing a pillow, but I wasn’t satisfied with the lack of damage.

Something needed to break because I was breaking and Jinyoung was breaking, and everything was breaking at this moment except for anything tangible, and that wouldn't do. I wanted it all to shatter and burn around me, and I couldn’t remember the last time I was this angry, the last time I didn’t care about anything other than getting these ugly feeling out of my chest.

Because this life, this idol bullshit got to continue to go on, no matter fucking what.

No one cared about the collateral damage it left behind, because we were the collateral damage.

All that bullshit, all that wear and tear on my body, all the things that we all missed in our lives, all the pain that he put us through, and he got to go back to his posh life, and we were still here, Jinyoung was still here, and Bambam was still here, and it wasn’t fucking fair.

I smashed a lamp against the ground.

“Jackson, Jackson cut it out! cut it out!” Mark called, grabbing my arms from behind, restraining me.

“No! it’s not fair! it’s not fair, how can he do this and get away with it? How could he say those things and do those things and get away with it?” I yelled in Cantonese and I watched as Mark struggled to catch up to my words, filtering it through his mind.

“What did he say? What did he say Gaga? He didn’t hurt you too, right?” Mark asked in English, as if he didn’t trust any other language to get it out and I bit my lip.

There it was, wasn’t it?

Did I even have the right to be angry?

He never touched me, never threatened me.

But he hurt the boys I cared about, he hurt those trainees, he threatened to do the same to Mark, he said some fucked up shit, but it wasn’t just that.

Because even though he never physically hurt me, or Jaebum, or Youngjae, or Yugyeom or Mark, we were all affected, weren’t we? And he got away with it because of who we were, because of what we were.

It wasn’t right.

“No, he didn’t- He didn’t hurt me. Not like that, he never touched me. But why should that be a reason? Why do I have to have gotten touched by him to be outraged? I wish we had fucking killed him that night, I wish I killed him,” I bit out and Mark hugged me tighter.

“I- it wouldn’t have helped, it wouldn’t have been worth it, to have his blood on his hands, to have dirtied yourself like that,” Mark whispered and I shook my head.

“I wish we weren’t here, I wish we- I wish we could just get out of here, of this stupid place where- where this kind of shit can happen and no one cares. I’m so tired of hiding Mark, I’m so tired of having to police myself, of watching this unfairness and not being able to help. I’m so tired,” I whimpered.

My body sagged against his and he held my weight up as he breathed against my back.

“Me too, God, me too Gaga.”

Why did they have to acquit him?


End file.
